It has finally arrived, folks! The climax we have all been waiting for. What began in 2015’s Fifty Shades of Grey and what basically concluded in 2017’s Fifty Shades Darker, reaches its “happy ending” in Fifty Shades Freed. The BDSM-inspired romance of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele has confounded critics as the franchise clears $1 billion worldwide grosses but at this point fans of this stuff won’t care what we say. It’s all an elaborate fantasy and although it’s a poorly constructed one, I can fully see why the franchise works for some. That being said, it doesn’t make the film good and although it’s aesthetically beautiful and the performers can’t be faulted for their commitment, this is a franchise that will likely be remembered for its shortcomings and unintentional moments of humor that is derived from the words that began in E.L. James’ insipid romance novels.

Let’s begin with some praise: Fifty Shades Freed is probably the most enjoyable of the three films. Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, who had lukewarm chemistry in the first film and seemed to be warming up to each other in the second, finally feel connected in this installment. Perhaps they were both just happy this was all coming to an end or maybe filming honeymoon scenes in Paris would be enough to make anyone look like they’re having fun. Whatever the case, you sort of care about their relationship in this installment, even if it still feels strange to me to romanticize a union that began with his unhealthy dominance of a weak-willed woman.

Also of note, as it has been in the prior films, is that the film is nice to look at. This doesn’t just relate to the men and women who get to gawk at Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan (much like the previous films Johnson earns most of the gawking while Dornan remains the runner-up) but it mostly relates to its strong visual palette. Director James Foley, returning after directing the second film, seems keenly aware that the film is lacking in almost every other area so he has to make the film look as sleek as possible. This, of course, sells the fantasy to its mostly female audience and he succeeds in this feat.

I usually describe the plot by this point of the review but here’s the deal: there isn’t much plot to speak off. The character transformation of Christian Grey was basically completed by the end of Fifty Shades Darker and Anastasia Steele was most fully realized as someone with a backbone after lacking much confidence in the first film. There really wasn’t much story left to tell but since there is a third book (which I hear is also very slim on an actual story) this third film has to be made and it’s done so in a greatest hits fashion. The film begins where most romance films end: with the “happily ever after” wedding. From there we get maybe fifteen solid minutes of their honeymoon (again, pretty to look at but there still isn’t much going on here). We get musical montages to showcase the film’s hip soundtrack (not as hip as the first two I might add) but there is still no solid narrative at this point.

Now that Ana and Christian are together, the production (like the novel upon which it is based) has to figure out what to do with them. It dabbles a little in what could be called “post-wedding” melodrama, in which the couple copes with having to compromise on things like whether Ana will change her name from “Anastasia Steele” to “Anastasia Grey.” The franchise is known at this point for its unintentionally funny moments due to poor writing and this plot point leads to some laughs when Christian has a very heated reaction to an e-mail bouncing back due to her unwillingness to change the name in her email address (yes my friends, this is some of the conflict you’re paying $16 for).

Determining that this isn’t sufficiently interesting to maintain audience interest, things slide into cheap thriller territory with Ana’s former boss, the stalker/kidnapper Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson), haunting our heroine while her husband tries to micromanage her life. The movie even goes so far as to have a car chase but maybe this shoehorned plot point was included to finally justify casting an international pop star, Rita Ora, as Christian’s sister. She hasn’t had much to do in these films until now and perhaps this was her “moment” (they also gave her and One Direction’s Liam Payne the theme song for the film but it’s no “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever“, “Love Me Like You Do” or “Earned It“).

As has been the case since this franchise started, this is all about attractive people getting naked and having kinky BDSM-flavored sex. For those who are on hand strictly to see nakedness on display, Fifty Shades Freed doesn’t disappoint. Dakota Johnson shows off her breasts on a fairly regular basis and, although the camera never strays much below Jamie Dornan’s navel, the rest of him gets good exposure (there ya go ladies). Despite all the nudity, however, there’s not much steam or genuine eroticism and that has been a weird disconnect since this franchise began. For a series of films that seems to promote itself on how naughty it is, the sex scenes are strangely mechanical and devoid of passion. Maybe it’s the poor direction since the actors definitely have better chemistry this time around. They’re staged to expertly and there is a lack of spontaneity even though there are attempts at it (impromptu kitchen sex involving ice cream comes the closest but even that falls short).

If you’re down to watch Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele get married, travel a bit, fight over an e-mail account, have a few sexual encounters, deal with a surprise kidnapping and another surprise arrival (I won’t reveal it here but it’s in the TV spots) then this may be the film for you. There isn’t much of a narrative at all and it probably shouldn’t exist but at least it’s nice to look at and the performer’s don’t embarrass themselves. In fact, who am I to judge? Universal Pictures has been laughing all the way to the bank with these films and box office grosses definitely show there is an audience for them but I’ll just look back at the franchise with a what might have been approach. There is a good story here and in better hands, the psychology of this kind of relationship could’ve been explored in an interesting way but instead we poorly written nonsense strung together by beautiful locations and pretty people. Unfortunately, this isn’t enough to make a good film. As fans of the franchise will enjoy the “Love Me Like You Do” music montage that wraps up the film with moments from the past of the franchise, the rest of us will view it and be happy that this is all finally over.