Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, The Godfather, The Dark Knight, Toy Story: These are film trilogies that got it right. Trilogies that not only have stood the test of time but like fine wine have aged beautifully and become classics in the eyes of many cinephiles. However, with all-time great, comes all time-bad, and 2018 has provided cinephiles with the conclusion, oh I’m sorry, the climax of the worst trilogy of all time, the Fifty Shades trilogy.
Fifty Shades Freed is the final chapter of the Christian Grey/Anastasia Steele story, two of the most uninteresting characters ever put on film. Now, what does Fifty Shades Freed offer us that the other two films failed to? Absolutely nothing. It taught us that with enough money we can all go on vacations every other week because this film quite frankly has zero plot. From scene to scene, we get nothing by vacation, sex, vacation, sex. Now while that may be great for the next release on Bang Bros., for a film that its motive is to create a plot, conflict, and resolution, Fifty Shades Freed offers none of that.
Now for those that are reading this review and rolling their eyes thinking, “David is so hard on these mindless films,” I will provide an actual plot device within the film. Anastasia and Christian return to work from their month-long honeymoon, where Christian storms into Anastasia’s office at work. Why? because a life-threatening event has occurred? No, let’s try again. Christian attempted to email Anastasia and she chose not to change her email address to Anastasia Grey, therefore, leading to the email bouncing. What a plot! Ladies and Gents, I am not harsh, I am just honest when I say, this is far from mindless, this film is just plain awful.
During the final 15 minutes, screenwriter Niall Leonard must have realized that nothing has yet to occur within the film other than vacationing, so he squeezes in a kidnapping scene that is the definition of underwhelming. I jokingly said, what would conclude this shit trilogy should be a musical montage of the entire trilogy, and low and behold, to the backdrop of “Love Me Like You Do,” we are “treated” to a musical retelling of the entire trilogy.
One of the franchises biggest issues is the cookie cutter characters that Fifty Shades has consistently given us throughout the three films. In Fifty Shades Freed, it was not Christian, not Anastasia, but Anastasia’s security detail, Sawyer, that I felt for throughout the film. Watching the film, I sat and there and said, “Damn, I hope this dude doesn’t get fired. He’s the most real dude on this entire thing”.
We also have the timing of the release of the film. In a time where female empowerment is a message Hollywood is attempting to consistently share any chance they get, we have a film like Fifty Shades Freed, a film that its lead, Anastasia Steele is one of the most flawed, weak females ever put on screen. From her original agreement to sign a contract to Christian in Fifty Shades of Grey, to renegotiating the contract in Darker, culminating with Freed, Steele is never portrayed as a strong, independent woman and her relationship with Christian is romanticized by the film, when in reality it’s as toxic as any bad relationship out there, and despite having a strong female viewership, I personally do not know any female that would take the verbal and mental abuse Anastasia consistently takes throughout the trilogy by Christian.
If there is a light at the end of the tunnel is that Dakota Johnson can move on from this trilogy and take her talents to a good film and franchise. Along with that, a special congratulations can be given to the franchise as it has completed the trifecta of an under 1 reel grade. Kudos Fifty Shades, your level of shit may never be duplicated on film again.
Reel Talk gives Fifty Shades Freed .5 Reels
