Titanic turns 20 today! Usually on these anniversaries, I try to look back on a film’s impact and history but I’m taking a different route for James Cameron’s hugely successful yet extremely mediocre disaster romance movie that seemed to make just about every girl willing to waste their hard earned money to see a movie ten times in theaters (I personally know a girl who went 15). I have never understood the popularity of the film and I especially think that its Best Picture Oscar win in 1998 was largely undeserved (how could this be the outcome when L.A. Confidential & Good Will Hunting came out the same year?). I’m going to throw out a few things that cross my mind every time watch the film (some good, some bad) but it ultimately sums up why this film was just a big lump of coal for me back when I first saw it in December of 1997.

1. The Script: James Cameron is a solid writer/director for the most part (I mean this is the man who gave us The Terminator) but three hours of cringe-worthy dialogue is most of the reason that Titanic suffers. What should sound romantic, sounds cheesy and you might find more passion in excerpts from a romance novel. Despite being at the younger stage of their careers, Leonardo DiCaprio & Kate Winslet were still at a level to get beyond the clunkiness of the script but even the most skilled of performers can’t make much of this drivel.
2. Can You Steam Up A Car Like That?: So Jack and Rose decide to get it on in the classiest of classy ways: In a car. What else would you expect from two people who haven’t known each other a full week? Well, they do the deed in someone’s 1912 Renault Type Coup de Ville. And the entire automobile steams up. How would the car even get warm enough to steam up so you can see a sweaty handprint mark the glass? Isn’t it freezing out? Maybe Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet just generate that much heat.
3. Billy Zane Is The Man: If there is one thing I love about the movie, it’s Billy Zane. Is it overacting? Maybe! Is he over the top? Perhaps wonderfully so, but he’s certainly the only one having a lick of fun and all of his scenes are worthy of your attention. My favorite Billy Zane moment? Has to be when the boat is sinking and death is likely imminent but he’s so blind with jealousy over losing Rose to Jack that he chases after them and begins opening fire on the couple. It’s so wonderfully ridiculous that I can’t help but love it and then it leads to one of the best lines and line deliveries in the whole film: “I put the diamond in the coat. I PUT THE COAT ON HER.”
4. Old Rose Clearly Doesn’t Love Her Family: So Rose has this diamond that could probably fund a small nation and what does this heartless old bag do? Throws the thing into the ocean! Not only does she throw it in the ocean but she does so in what is supposed to be this cutesy whoopsie fashion but it only adds to my anger. Doesn’t she have family that could’ve used that money? Hell, if you don’t want to give to your family then maybe she could’ve donated some to other Titanic survivors and their families. This just won’t do for selfish Rose and then has the audacity to up and die after throwing away what could be billions into the ocean so now she isn’t even around for everyone to yell out for being so damn selfish. The nerve!
5. The Movie Is A Waste Of Time Until The Last Hour: The film clocks in at about 194 minutes and honestly you really need to watch 60 minutes of it. If you had the VHS release of the film, you saved yourself a lot of time by just popping in tape two. What we get here is 2 hours of sappy love story and then 60 minutes of awesomeness. I will give the film credit where it’s due, it’s a technical wonder and the last hour or so recreates what we believe the sinking to be like in extraordinary fashion but boy it’s a chore to get to this point. Basically, you just need to see this thing hit the iceberg and then you get the added bonus of the man falling and hitting the propeller (I used to feel bad laughing at it, but now I embrace it as comic genius).
6. At Least The Music Is Pretty: The late James Horner does craft a magnificent score. It’s so good that it’s one of my favorites of all time and that’s strange for me considering I don’t care for the film all that much. The music generates the emotions that the screenplay and direction so desperately can’t measure up to and it ALMOST could convince me that Jack and Rose has a romance worth rooting for. Then there’s that song. We heard it a billion times and we can claim we got sick of it but I  dare anyone to not get all the feels when Celine Dion belts out “My Heart Will Go On”.
7. Rose Is The Reason Jack Is Dead: I said it! Jack might have survived and they could’ve lived on the billions that the diamond was probably worth had she not thrown it in the ocean, if Rose wasn’t so damn selfish. First, Rose has an opportunity to get off the ship because of her first class status. She’s off the damn sinking ship but as she states longingly at the love of her life that she has only known a few days, she jumps back on the damn ship! Jack didn’t have the first-class status and couldn’t make any early exits but he was self-sufficient and probably would’ve found his way off if he didn’t have to take care of her. Then we get to the boat has sunk and various survivors are in the ocean and waiting desperately for some kind of rescue. It’s freezing cold and they managed to use a door as a flotation device. Did I say they? I meant Rose uses it as a floatation device and leaves poor Jack to freeze and slowly die in the ocean. Some say they both couldn’t fit (Jack tries once, fails and just gives up) but they could’ve at least switched off. Maybe 20 minutes at a time to balance it out. You’ll never let go, Rose? Well, you did and Jack’s death is on your hands!
8. The Movie Needs More Kathy Bates: Everyone loves Kathy Bates and she’s actually one of the bright spots here as the Unsinkable Molly Brown. The lady is essentially a boss! She makes a few funny quips and teaches Jack how to use silverware. Hell, she was even fluent in four languages and ran for Senate! Perhaps she should do more than give fork lessons but I’ll take anything from her in this movie. Also kudos to her for at least making a fuss about going back to help others after she’s lucky enough to make the first class escape.
9. Did I Mention I Love Billy Zane In This:

1. It’s Clearly Made For Girls Between The Ages Of 11-16: Everything about the movie’s story and execution emotes like an entry from an old diary of a tortured high school sophomore. My parents won’t let me do what I want! I totally just met you a few seconds ago and now I love you! I’m gonna have sex in a car! Well, guess what? The ship sinks, you let him go, and he dies. All the young ladies out there take note. It’s better to stay rich and arrange an elaborate murder to get rid of anyone you don’t like than run off with the poor. Use Rose as a life lesson of what not to be and maybe you won’t grow old and throw billions of dollars of jewelry into the ocean and then die alone.